Crystal Palace Local

AQUARIUS

It is a well known cosmostrological fact that if all the planets line up on your birthday you will burst. Rub Goose fat all over your naked body and hide for hours in the cupboard under the stairs to lessen the planetary effect. You may swell to double you size but should not split or burst entirely.

CAPRICORN

As fatso Jupiter has 16 lardy moons all looking at you this month, kick the habit of a lifetime by taking responsibility for your own actions! Raise your kids, learn something, go to the park and teach them about dinosaurs. Purchase some clothes chosen all by yourself! From Pillowtalk. And wear them on the way home.

SAGITTARIUS

With the moon still 384,403 km away, listen to it’s childlike voice this month as whispers to you and countless millions of other individuals about how to live your different lives as interpreted by me. Talk to a brown dog in the park and believe it can understand you!

SCORPIO

Romance in the air and your boyfriend may pick up on your sexy mood this month because maverick giant Saturn is a gaseous sphere made of four quarters joined together and some rings. Use this to get him to buy you shiny stuff from South of the River.

LIBRA

Financial issues are concerning you right now simply because poncey Venus takes 243 earth days to rotate on it’s fancy axis. So take all of your money out of the banks in used notes, and after sending larger denominations to me c/o Antenna, colour all the queens eyes in red and keep them all under a light blue woollen hat until your timely death.

VIRGO

This month eager Capricorn is zooming so fast through your planetary aura you can use it as an excuse to stay in bed to avoid cosmostrological radiationing. Yes, seriously do not get up for the entire month. Simply tell close family and friends of the planetary dilemma and they will gladly bring you cakes and fancies from Blackbird bakery through gritted teeth.

LEO

At this time your emotions are up and down purely because cold distant Pluto says so. Go with it and enjoy the ride! Or pretend to have exactly the opposite emotion to the one you actually have and don’t enjoy the ride! On Sunday, buy a tin of tango mist paint from hollybush and decorate a room using only your feet.

CANCER

After planetary worries are continually aired at work, a typically close minded Sagittarian colleague upsets you by urinating on your computer keyboard, Rise above this by installing a web cam in advance to record them resulting in their instant dismissal. Buy a beauty therapy for your cat.

GEMINI

As more and more so called astronomers look at angry Mars through their devilish telescope machines it is getting redder through planetary embarrassment and fury, so buy a fusion razor from one of the triangles many pharmacies and shave a ginger to redress the cosmic balance.

TAURUS

Our planet earth has been naughty and this has led to global warming. Cheeky snipe mercury tells you personally to help planet earth get off the cosmic naughty step by enjoying Lorenzos excellent set lunch deal. However, to make it work you must eschew the use of cutlery.

ARIES

With smelly Uranus’ atmosphere composed of Hydrogen, Helium, and Methane at the moment, you may feel like murdering a close member of your family by the end of the week. Resist the temptation by treating yourself to one of Domali’s fabulous hot white chocolate drinks while using a fork to quietly gouge your leg between sips.

PISCES

You’re feeling easily persuaded this month what with Mars being a bit orange so why not shirk thousands of years of  reasoned scientific knowledge by bending an old coat hanger a bit and attaching it to the front of your face as a personal cosmic receiver before it tells you to jump off the edge of the world! You stupid fish!

To next time, look foward.
Mystic Mike