Crystal Palace Local

THE NEW YEARS LUNASCOPES:

CAPRICORN.
This month the Solar System may have to loosen it’s Asteroid Belt after absorbing too much Christmas energy from the Earths festivities. For lucky Capricorns the Luna eclipse falls in your Birthday sign. This means that In the coming year the stars will enable you to lose weight, get fit, stop smoking, plan holidays and DIY projects and get a new job plus new car, pets, carpets and husband/wife/civil partner.

SAGITTARIUS.
Aspects of Mercury suggest that last Christmas you overlooked something which at the time seemed trivial. Now that it’s happened again, however, it seems bang out of order. Happily, Jupiter squeezed a vast cloud of cosmostrological gases out of it’s spot last week,  meaning all Saggitarianists can bring matters to a head. Confront your sister and tell her never again to try to tongue your husband after a pint of Sherry.

SCORPIO.
With the Moon ascendant in Scorpio’s astral plane, The Lunar tidal pull on the Christmas liquid contents of your body means you could feel bilious when back at work. Wait until a busy Saturday morning then let out your gut’s frustration by stomping into Blackbird bakery and asking for two massive baps in a loud voice. Also, money becomes an issue on the 27th because you run out.

LIBRA.
We do not yet know if a solid surface exists on Jupiter. It's clouds are thought to be about 30 miles (50 km) thick. Below this there is a 13,000 mile (21,000 km) thick layer of hydrogen and helium which changes from gas to liquid as the depth and pressure increase. Beneath the liquid hydrogen layer is a 25,000 mile (40,000 km) deep sea of liquid metallic hydrogen. So no wonder Librans feel a bit confused as Jupiter is rising in their sign this month. What with that and Christmas it’s all a bit much. Poor planetary poppets. You should totally Chillax by spending what little money you have left on treatments from Beauty by Renata on Church Road.

VIRGO.
The planet Mars has been known since ancient times and was observed for thousands of years by the people of many different cultures, but none of them knew what it meant to the lives of all humans like how I do. Virgoans born on the cusp with Leo the lion are this month compelled to pop into one of CP’s many evangelical worship holes with this message: It is Cosmostrology rather than any other half baked creed of fanciful higher powers that rules the whole Lunascape including this planet and all who dwell on it’s crust. Tell them big Jupiter and his sixty three known moons sent you cos he’s massive and can bash anyone so there.

LEO.
Is it possible you Lions think you deserve more than the hand/paw you were dealt this New Year? If so, then it's time to reevaluate your own demanding attitude to dosh in terms of the planets and where they are in relation to each other at any given time which governs everything known to us a bit. Your wealth planet Mars is pretty skint at the mo’ but the Comet C/1577 V1 is shooting up through your descending cosmostrological cusp so it’s a good time to buy new white goods. Electrical retailer ‘Comet’ down the Purley Way have got a sale on so that must mean something too. Spooky.

CANCER.
Health matters matter at this time of healthy thoughts being thought just because it’s the New Year. Cancer is definately bad so your new Year resolution to stop smoking is a well wicked idea.  Pocket sized planet Mercury is eight hundred and one Fahrenheit (427 Celsius) during the day – smokin’!  This combined with your Aries fire sign means you should take Mercs advice: Find some drunk Aries idiot outside Wetherspoons and force them to smoke all your left over tabs ten at a time to help you quit. Then use them patches and some herb fags from Planta too, to be on the safe side.

GEMINI.
Twinnish Geminians need fresh challenges this year. Somebody you know called Dave or John seems to have every shallow clichéd thing you so desire. A slim blond pretty wife, well paid easy job, flash red car, big house somewhere nice like Belgravia or Fox Hill, solid gold fat jewellery with diamonds in, designer clothes and celebrity friends like Mark Steel.  Luckily, Earths twin planet Venus actually rotates backwards and in doing so can help you Scorpions turn your luck around and achieve your goals. Visit the crow-mans shop for a ‘Teach yourself Hypnotism’ book and set about convincing Dave/John and his family to eventually swap lives, wives and all possessions.

TAURUS.
There are the kind of gifts that arrive in fancy paper and ribbon, then there are the cosmostrological gifts of knowing your destiny. The Solar system is 4.6 billion years old so the planets had no people upon whose lives to influence for roughly 4.45billion years! - It’s clearly little wonder they love to interfere so much now! So it follows that If you Taurusauruses obey the stars bidding exactly as I interperet, as a direct result, you will begin to find solutions to your problems all by yourself. Amazing!

ARIES.
You lot are an air sign and are therefore quick to express anger.. I can help you bottle it up inside you permanently forever with a few Astral techniques I’ve developed over the last few minutes: Take a deep breath, become aware of it and then take another. This is called breathing. Find and then sense your point of balance, this is balancing. Become aware of your centrality and centre yourself centrally, this means finding the bit right in the middle of you. Use a knitting needle if you have to.

PISCES.
Jupiter and Saturn are not actually spherical. This is because of their super fast rotational speeds of about 28,273 mph which centrifugally "squash" the planets making them fatter at the equator. That’s how you Pisceans feel after all those mince pies so thank the stars that Lean Venus, the solar systems astral personal trainer is ascending into Pisces this month. Drop and give her ten you blimp.

AQUARIUS.
After the Christmas immoderation, (It’s an old made up joke and a cliché but it’s true) Uranus (actually pronounced Yore-Aye-nuss) is unwelcoming, vast and gassy. However, this month, Icy Neptune moving into Uranus willl be a blessed relief after all the rich food you scoffed like a pig so if you’ve had aqueeryarse recently take calm thought from the Moon rising in your opposite sign thus easing cosmostrological pressure on both Saturns rings and yours. Mmmm.

January celebrity birthdays include:

• Elvis Presley Singing lip curling burger muncher.
  Verne “mini me” Troyer. Celebrity Person of restricted growth.
• Isaac Asimov. Auther of Science fiction nonsense.
• Mel Gibson. Believer in God and drink driver.
• J.R.R. Tolkien Author of nonsense Hobbit books.
• Rowan Atkinson. Rubber-faced comedian.
• Jim Carey. Rubber-faced comedian.

To next time, looking forward.

Mystic Mike.