Crystal Palace Local

Mystic Mike’s LOVESTROLOGY

SAGITTARIUS.

The suns magnetic field is twisted around inside it as it spins. This is how you Sags feel this valentine month as you fall in love. But this magnetic field rises up from below the sun's surface and bursts through, creating sunspots. This also happens with you this month but they are just called spots. So forget it. Don’t waste your money on cards, flowers and expensive dinners at the Exhibition rooms or Joannas. Sit at home with a couple of magnets in your ears. These will help to warp your cranial aura and at least make the spots come out on the back of your neck and not right in the middle of your sad, weeping face. Wear a stain resistant high collared shirt or blouse.

SCORPIO.

You’re part of something that’s much bigger than you are. As the infinite galaxies and the planets of the solar system swirl about, cusping and rising in your sign and crossing celestial pathways and stuff it will affect all aspects of your individual life in very particular and yet conveniently generalised ways. This month, your work and love life fall out of balance as Jupiter repeats it’s rare and potent triple conjunction with Neptune. Consequently they are laughing at you and so am I. You’re a joke.

LIBRA.

Sexy Venus knows that out of 30 million possible other halves in the UK, only 26 will be suitable partners for you in particular so don’t leave things to chance. Trust in the cosmostrological power that’s been grounded in the skies for centuries of Millennia if not longer. She tells me that one of the 26 will be on the 410 bus to East Croydon on the middle Friday of the month at tea time. Wearing purple. Back seat. Your choice. Now or never.

VIRGO.

At 180,000 miles across, Saturn and its seven rings would just fit in the distance between Earth and the Moon. But it would feel like a big fat gooseberry stuck there and so should you this Valentines night as you bump into and take advantage of an over polite couple you’ve met only once before by insisting on joining them for drinks, then dinner, coffee back at hers and ultimately lying fully clothed in the bed between them all night as they exchange frustrated looks but don’t wish to appear rude. No wonder you’re still a Virgo.

LEO.

Although you’re the big fancy Leo the Lion and supposed to be a leader and all that, the stars have absolutely nothing to say about you this month. Impossible as it may sound, you will have to be master of your own destiny until they next decide to influence your fate. Tough times. Maybe get enough food stockpiled and stay in. Bummer.

CANCER.

If you focus on petty problems this month your life will fill up with them. Use the cosmostrological love energy in the skies to concentrate your mind on your mission and put your heart into your celestial quest. Get all ponced up in your best togs, squirt expensive smells all over your body, put your best piercings in and get on the pull down Guantanamo Bay bar or whatever it’s called.

GEMINI.

The Romans knew of seven bright objects in the sky, the sun, the moon and the five brightest planets. They named them after their most important gods. Of course that now sounds ridiculous as everyone knows that gods are made up nonsense and even science now has to admit the planets are real and actual so it plausibly follows that their undoubted cosmostrological power is rational and authentic in terms of its human influence. It just does okay! Anyway, I’ve concluded that your Venus has an awkward alignment with Uranus which eclipses any potential love aspects around the 14^th. So sit on your hand.

TAURUS.

A harmonious aspect of transiting Mars to Venus activates your emotional, sensuous and affectionate energy. The relationship to your mate will be especially vital around the evening of the 14^th. Well, its valentine’s night isn’t it stoopid..? Instead of the clichéd romantic dinner simply run naked once round the triangle in opposite directions until you smack together again in a big fleshy hug outside Willie Smarts, and it probably will.

ARIES.

Pluto hovers loftily about at the fringes of the Solar Systems cosmostrological dating game; aloof and distant. Like him, you too think of yourself as a splendidly rarefied taste akin to smelly French cheese or art house films that don’t make any sense. But everyone else just thinks you’re a self obsessed dork. Mid month you will meet a similarly insufferable character that no-one else is sexually interested in and convince yourself that they are intellectually challenging when really you just long to smell them and kiss their hair and touch them so very, very much.

PISCES.

Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to events but a further 100 percent how the planets spin around our solar system as interpreted by me.

At just over 3,100 km (1,900 m) in diameter Europa, the sixth moon of Jupiter, is pushed and pulled by the huge gravitational forces around it. Both at work and socially, this is how you feel as it’s occurred to you that you have no influence on others whatsoever. Not only that, but in another part of our galaxy is the star Mu Cephi which is about 1500 times the size of our sun. This implies another sad truth for you fish; always remember there is someone bigger, better and more successful than you somewhere - no matter what small achievements you have struggled hard to make in life. However, around the 17^th things start to look up as you find 50p on the floor in Planta.

CAPRICORN.

Mars is referred to as the ginger planet because of its reddish appearance due to iron oxide or something. It has been recognised since ancient times and was observed for thousands of years by the people of many different cultures, but none of them knew what it meant to the lives and affairs of the heart for all Capricornians like what I do. So! You poor weak bleeding heart lot who mope about the triangle full of self loathing with your “I ‘m never gonna get a girlfriend / boyfriend” Get over it. Grow up. Chat up. Get in there.

AQUARIUS.

Long ago the planets selected myself alone as their representative and channelled Lunascopic ultimate truths through me to at last be told and foretold for millennia to come. This month at the lunar equinox is critical for the future happiness of all attractive young female Aquarians with good senses of humour. Around the 14^th you will meet a tall dark handsome Cosmostrologer at half eight in Numidie bar and immediately fall under his overwhelmingly erotic spell. Be aware that the act of love is an event of self-understanding and personal self-realization which must not be ‘bottled up’ inside your young smooth body so release yourself from selfish inhibition that very same night and gain an insight into sexual fulfilment far outstretching your current experience. Also, the day before, buy all the ingredients from Sainsburys for a massive full English you can make in the morning. Milk and two sugars, Ta.

FEB CELEB BIRTHDAYS:

Lisa Marie Presley. 41

Daughter of burger eating king of rock and briefly wife of child molesting king of pop.

Boris Yeltsin. 78

Expired former alcoholic leader of former worlds second best superpower.

Les Dawson. 75

Portly good at bad piano playing northern roly poly gurning funny man.

H. R. Giger. 69

Swiss Alien drawing nightmarish surrealist pasty faced artist and Goth inspiring designer.

Rip Torn. 78

Synonym named Southern Texan drink driving big tall beardy hirsute character actor.

Ronald Reagan. 98

Dead B film actor and partially assassinated 40th U.S. Reaganomic president and Alzheimer’s something or other.

To next time, looking forward.

Mystic Mike.

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