Crystal Palace Local

SCORPIO

Aspects of Mercury like it's gravity relative to that of the Earths being a tad under 0.38 and the inclination of it's orbit to the ecliptic being 7 degrees or near as damn it suggest that this coming week is the best time for Scorpians to meet friends for pretend tea and cake sat at the kiddies table in Bookseller Crow reading Proust and pretending you like it until your bums ache.

LIBRA

You have very high standards yet low self esteem der brain. If only you knew how well you are doing and how much people like you! I happen to know this because one of the planets (and no, I can't say which but suffice to say it's atmosphere is mostly Carbon Dioxide with a hint of Argon. ;-)...) spoke to me in my ear directly across the vast vacuum of space which is really difficult. So now I'm telling you* through another kind of space – Cyber! Get it? So feel your worth and indulge in a special private reward. Touch yourself but not in a gay way.

*This applies to all Librans even though it sounds like I'm talking to one person.

VIRGO

The sun is a huge, glowing sphere of hot gas. Most of this gas is hydrogen (about 70%) and helium (about 28%). Carbon, nitrogen and oxygen make up 1.5% and the other 0.5% is made up of small amounts of many other elements such as neon, iron, silicon, magnesium and sulphur. It shines because it is burning the hydrogen into helium in its extremely hot core at a temperature of 15.7×10^6 Kelvin. This means that as time goes on, the sun has less hydrogen and more helium affecting everyone's voices. So this coming Saturday when you rage at the bunch of gormless giggling petite people on the next table in the White Hart to shut their stupid grating squeaky voices up, this is the reason.

LEO

Don't live life the way others think you should. You're a great big furry king of the effing jungle Lion sign for chrissakes! You call the shots and set the standards. Realize your goals, achieve stuff and move relentlessly forward leaving friends and colleagues mercilessly scattered behind you like ravaged big game carcasses. In doing so you will find the inner confidence to live and work completely naked, smeared in the blood and viscera of success.

CANCER

A problem shared is a problem...doubled! – if, that is, you share it with the wrong person, and then they tell everyone the gossip about you, and that gets repeated a few times. It can quickly end up as problem multiplied by a problem to the power ten. To avoid this kind of pickle simply trust in the advice of the stars as pumped and squeezed through mystic me. In your particular case*, Mercury, diameter of 3,032 miles (4,879 km), says: "Shut up and keep your miserable bleatings to yourself! Everyone on your crappy planet is desperately struggling to make it through the same shit everyday of the week without emptying a magazine into their loved ones; reloading and turning the gun on themselves before the fuzz arrive... ok? It's not their fault you're a pervert..... I saw what you did."

*This applies to all Cancers even though it sounds like I'm talking to one person.

GEMINI

Saturn's rings formed when objects like comets and asteroids broke up in orbit around it due to the mega strong gravity. These pieces kept colliding with each other and broke into even smaller pieces. They then gradually spread around Saturn to form its rings. Like a 'Ring road'. You too must make sure you set off down the right 'road' in life so that the twists and turns of planetarily influenced fate don't 'puncture' your personality, leave your love life in the 'lay-by', or leave your dignity in a 'ditch' (with whatever the human equivalent of having your alloys nicked by chavs is). What then could make more sense than leaving the planets to be the 'driving force' within you? So next time your motoring round the triangle, race full throttle over the junction at Westow and Central with your eyes closed.

TAURUS

You Taureans can't find Uranus with both hands this summer!

You may feel confused, angry and deeply opinionated all at once, most of the time. This is nothing to do with the stars – you are thick.

ARIES

The planets made the Aries personality a force to be reckoned with. Hitler was born under this sign* and his dream was a world led by a global master race of super people born only under the Arian star sign, ( 21st March to 19th April). Through his now infamous Nazistrology, he encouraged these often easily lead Individuals to be curious and to try new things, like invading Poland. Personally I think the stars should apologies unreservedly for this particular bit of Lunascopic influence though they must've influenced the Allies with their subsequent war efforts I guess so maybe it balances out or something I dunno, whatever, it was like ages ago in black and white anyway.

*Nearly.

PISCES

Due to the incontrovertible lunafactTM that Mercury is ascending right up into the soft undercusp of Saturn on the 2nd and he likes that so much that it makes him even hotter than the 801 Fahrenheit (427 Celsius) he is usually, your career is placed under a dazzlingly brilliant cosmostrologicalTM spotlight this month This may be because you are an actor on the West End stage, possibly a prima ballerina or perhaps a stripper or even more perhaps a common hoodied thief if the spotlight is shining down from a police helicopter.

GET ON THE GROUND! FLAT ON THE GROUND! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! NOW! - Man that feels good when you shout it...

Celebrity Gemini birthdays

Marylin Monroe

Tragic pouting chesty lumped bottle blond wind snuffed candle.

Alanis Morisette

Pony faced whimsical irony ignorant songstress.

Ronnie Wood.

Emaciated mushroom cloud hair guitarist made of bark.

Bob Monkhouse

Mole faced, eye bulging lost gag book comic.

Robert Powell

Permed Jesus.

Morgan Freeman

Black God

This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it