Crystal Palace Local

Mystic

AUTUMNALUNASCOPES:

AQUARIUS.

A problematic month for you Aquarios ‘living-wise’ as on the 14^th you are going to die. It is of course seemingly impossible for the planets to impart to me the grisly details of your individual death across the massive expanses of the Lunarsphere as if they were collectively some kind of 6,000,000,000 miles wide conscious omnipotent being, however, that’s the bare arsed fact of it. I have indeed directly gleaned the following from Cosmostrological vibrations in my flat (near the sink): You will be squished by a Nissan Bongo caravanette in a Tesco car park at 3:14pm. So sort out your affairs and that before the inevitable and wear clean pants on the big day.

CAPRICORN.

If (for the sake of illustration only) the Sun’s a large coconut then Uranus is a peanut but still it influences you in ways that you know and I know only I can know, even though you don’t even know you know it. So don’t take what a loved one says the wrong way, they are only trying to get you to look at your life from their point of view - That of regarding a typical Capricorny idiot who insists on wearing low slung ‘gansta’ style slack arse jeans. You are well past the age where you can bust that look. Sheathe the peanut my friend, swathe Uranus.

SAGITTARIUS.

All the best things are worth taking a chance on and there is nothing better than a solid tip as it were. You could soon discover this when you win millions on the Eurolotto this month. I know the exact winning numbers off of Saturn who loves a flutter and a tickle, often times playing roulette round his rings (155 000miles dia) with his sixty one moons. But wait! If I tell you Saggo’s numbers then all the millions of readers would also use them and it would end up a shared pot of only about a euroquid each so what can I do? – I’ll get a ticket I guess, be silly not to act on it…go to Rio and get shacked up with a harem of painfully young dusky nubiles. I can see it happening. It’s my job.

SCORPIO.

You and I both know that you need to get over what has happened in the last few days by taking strength from Mars entering your aspect on Tuesday. I am acutely aware that the detail of these things that happened possibly particularly unsettled you in some way or another perhaps. The cusp of the equinoxal full moon eclipse on the 24^th also lets me know for sure that there have perchance been other things have happened sometime in the past that were a bit similar to these ones but not quite the same. So, what you need to do is totally rely on the stars to help you achieve balance and other vague states of being like that about the things happening in order to stop them occurring in exactly the same way again like they have before. You know as well as I do the importance of Mars orbiting 141,700,000 miles from the Sun and having two moons so think about that in relation to these recent goings-on and events will become even more clearer than they aren’t.

LIBRA.

Saturn keeps its sixty one moons all neat and tidy and you won’t see a crease in it’s orderly rings through your ‘Hubble bubblescope’ or whatever those charlatan Astronomer clowns waffle on about. To be honest, we all joke about how he’s got a bit of mild OCD! Ironically, especially feisty Mercury who’s a mucky little bugger, hasn’t washed for millennia. Consequently, we’ve noticed that over the past few months you Libranians in particular have let standards slip and you know it. Firstly, your bedroom floor is festooned with crusty pants/knickers*, dangling under your bath plug, there is a clump of glutinous soggy Troggs hair, and, to your eternal shame; the crumb-based dry sludge down your cooker crack could exfoliate a giant pervert. Worst of all Saturn has particularly noticed your CD’s are shamefully way out of kilter vis-à-vis correctly alphabetized storage and he simply dry retched for a day (Saturn days which are only ten hours or so but still). So sort yourself out you lazy shitebag. This time next month the whole solar system is going to run their proverbial fingers over your surfaces. Oh yeah, and stop picking your nose and eating it for pity’s sake, we all know.

VIRGO.

Venus is a lovely looking planet named after Venus, the Roman goddess of love and beauty. She is swathed in an opaque creamy coloured layer of highly reflective sulphuric acid clouds. Fwoar!! However, appearances are in this case deceptive as she is a right caustic sod with her acrid acid atmosphere hanging around her like a vast toxic fart. So it’s unfortunate that at present she is bisecting your poor little Cosmostrological sign right down the middle like a giant cleaver through a kittens face. As a direct consequence, you feel especially strongly about loved ones and those who depend on you right now. So, later this month, when you kick off a four hour police siege after getting aggressively hammered, taking your shirt off, scratching at your own face to make the demons go away, smearing the blood all over yourself and firing a shotgun out of your bedroom window, spare a thought for them as you finally turn the gun on yourself. Yeah, you’re right, they are better off without you.Typical Virgo. Do it.

LEO.

The influence of glasses wearing, nerdy, number crunching ice rock Pluto (-233 Celsius, 1430miles Dia, 3,670,050,000 miles from Sun) on you ordinarily snarling, big, lazy pride of lions makes you act against type between the second and third-and-a-half phases of the moons current quarterly eclipsed crescent cycle: i.e. about Tuesday week. You will experience an almost tactile wave of Lunascopic epiphany when, after spending the day working out the actual hypotenuse of the Crystal Palace ‘triangle’ to the nearest Millimetre, you realise the number has a portentous significance in your life. Yes! It is precisely equal in length to all the people you have ever slept with, placed naked head to toe, give or take a hair-do or a bunion. Imagine stepping over that as you come out of Planta! This knowledge restores the Lions ‘pride’ no end, and with a wry smirk, you squeeze a small fire extinguisher down your pants and, with drool forming in your jowls, go straight off speed dating.

CANCER.

Saturn is the sixth planet from the sun. It’s 886 million miles (~1.43 billion km) from the sun and about 793 million miles (~1.3 billion km) from Earth. It’s about 9.5 times farther from the Sun than Earth. Almost twice as far from the sun as Jupiter, the fifth planet. A Saturn day is only 10.656 hours long. Now, these ‘stats’ are all very well if you wish to collect ‘data’ and propose ‘hypothesis’ which can then be repeat tested and proven to be ‘true’. However, so much more is at play here than bor-ring scientific ‘facts’. The ancient mystic personality traits of this truly gargantuan cosmic sage inevitably have a powerful influence on the smallest facets of an insignificants behaviour; i.e. YOU: Saturn can help you but you have to trust him and he will need in turn to test that trust to the limit, for some deep reason, by making you act in a way that may, on the surface, seem idiotic. So, on the 24^th, upon waking, firstly, become aware of your senses. Sniff your body. Do not wash. Dress ‘combat’ (those black smudges under your eyes are good), then pack a lightweight survival pack and jump on the bus to the nearest woods. Lick the drivers sweaty face as you alight. Then run! Run like the solar wind, darting this way and that, until your lungs feel like bursting and your legs finally buckle. Then dig! Dig like a dog. Dig-dog-dig! Taste the dirt. Smell the planet. Dig until your fingers bleed. Deep now, deeper deepest. Aaaaaand rest. Breathe and rest Lie in the mulchy hollow of the Earth, be part of Earth itself. Commune. Then stay there and await further instructions.

GEMINI.

Thursday’s Full Moon, falling in your sign just two weeks to the day since Jupiter left, signals the first of a pair of full Moons, one this week and another on the 24^th that will keep your Jupiter intersection on track while the planet of luck and expansion is gone. And with Jupiter not returning to your sign until January, the Sun’s final few days in your romantic and creative sector mean he’s working with Mercury and with the Sun joining Saturn in your work sector on Thursday for the first time since 1983 - just as Neptune and Chiron begin a four week alignment in your career sector and the Sun and Saturn have met up for Tea in your communication sector so a full Moon just hours after your new solar year begins, will challenge you especially on Thursday as it’s the same day that Uranus and Europa begin their two week alignment in your income sector, however, a full Moon in your home and family sector on the same day means this comes just as Venus and Mars are working as a team in your career sector and as Jupiter and Uranus’ alignment, due to end on Friday, is running its course. So best drill holes in all your consumer electronics to let these cosmostrological winds pass harmlessly through.

TAURUS.

Just as the giant Redwood trees of Mars shed their dusty leaves for the Cosmostrological Autumn, it intersects with your Lunascope so inevitably things come to a head for you Bulls at this time - when you: (please tick or strike through from the following) Spark the revolution / Spanish kiss your sister / Sponsor Nick Griffin / Spank your primates / Speak in tongues / Spill your guts / Spin the bottle / Spring out of a wheelie bin / Spam your Mum / Spatially miscalculate / Spawn an alien race / Speed down Gypsy hill in a spare tyre / Spend a penny in Merlin’s Shoes / Spike baby’s bottle with Baileys / Split your pants / Spit at Jedward / Splash at bath time / Splice the wrong genes / Spliff up in Palace Spice / Spoil your Ballot / Sponge Bob / Spy for North Korea / Speculate on the Pope’s sexuality / Spear a neighbour. Be wary later in the month as court proceedings loom on the 24^th.

ARIES.

The Moon is ever so slightly kinky and loves waxing herself round her most intimate craters (when she’s not waning). Fortunately for us this is happening on her dark side so we don’t all have to watch. As a consequence though, she feels all sexy after, so love, romance and self abuse figure highly in your aspect this month. Then towards the 24^th sultry Venus sashays in to get her sweet ass into some of those Cosmostrological pheromones you got going on in your sign. As if this duel power action weren’t enough, both these celestial bodies then dive into Uranus like some Lunascopic three-way. This means you are so dripping with raw sex that you could literally cop off with the Pope if you wanted to. You’d make old Benny Benedicts eyes pop out of his skull cap thing with what you got sister (or brother). So get down to Guantanamo Bay or whatever it’s called next to the Black Sheep and bust some moves like you’re touting for business on bum and boobs (or bum and bulge) boulevard baby (or bloke). However, Pluto also comes into Uranus which suggests a doctor’s visit is vital at the end of the month.

PISCES.

Jupiter has a tense aspect to you lot today and it’s only going to get worse, so watch out ‘cos he is absolutely ‘kin massive. I mean seriously big: He is the largest planet in the solar system. If this big fella were hollow, more than one thousand girly Earths could fit inside him and he’d still want pudding. He could also down two and a half times the mass of all the other planets combined. The vast bastard has a mass of 1.9 x 10²⁷ kg and is 142,800 kilometres (88,736 miles) round the waist. He sneezed once and nearly killed me. So, basically, what I’m saying is he’s got the total hump with you poisson this month and you need to make yourself scarce - all of you. Serious. All of you on a bus now and get out of here for at least a month. Somewhere quiet. Stock up. Take it slow. Nice and peaceful. Keep your heads down. Read a book. Stay inside curtains drawn. On the down-low. Say no more. Sweet as.

Celebrity birthdays:

Jimmy Carter

Grinning giant Peanut shell faced peace merchant.

Walter Matthau

Stretched Spaniel faced odd half couple Pelham Gazuntite grump.

Sting

Tantric Lute Police siren CBE.

Groucho Marx

Moustache eyebrowed cigar wiggling wit and booze club.

Sigourney Weaver

Ripley panties alien, more aliens Ghostbusters in the mist, more aliens, yet more aliens and Avatars.

Sharon Osbourne

Loud taut-skinned ex-rock-drunks wife.

Harold Pinter

The . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Playwright.

To next time looking forward….

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