Mystic Mike’s COSMOSTROLOGY
SAGITTARIUS.
Retrograde Mercury precipitates a tricuspal preconjunction with Saturn in the bowel of Aries which categorically suggests Santa does not exist. Yeah kids, the heavens have spoken. Incinerate the presents and bin the dinner. Your stinging tears may just subside in time for Easter but immutable Mars reliably informs me that Jesus never existed either so forget about all the sweet filled choccy eggs too.
SCORPIO
Planetry stuff indicates that you will see a bright star in the night sky and feel compelled to follow It, much as the three wise men supposedly did two thousand and ten years ago. You drive well above the speed limit for some time but it seems to remain the same distance away! Not very wise was it? At least the wise men had the sense to give up and pronounce the nearest random kid in a pig trough the son of god. You got three points on your license! Dickwad.
LIBRA
Mercury gets cosmostrologically lodged right up your cusp on the 24th which means a family matter comes to a head. So in the aftermath of a failing relationship you go totally spaz-out ballistic at your toddler whilst Christmas shopping in Waitrose crisps and biscuits isle. Foam-mouthed screaming of proper potty mouthed obscenities surrounded by a huge judgmental parental flashmob. Hilarious.
VIRGO
The surface gravity on Saturn is about 74% of the gravity on Earth. The Moon enters your aspect a bit and Venus is 374 degrees hot at its surface. These combined factors suggest it may be that after this Chrimbo is the opportune moment to get into shape. Aided by the fact that next week, as you approach a seated friend, to them, your head looks like a vast pockmarked moon rising above a seemingly endless flesh horizon on planet flab.
LEO
A slightly turbulent festive season for Leoers after the Eliptic Equinoxal opposition of some Gemini gits. On the 24th roar at the children to flee before tearing the soft flesh from everyone within reach, devouring all the Christmas food, and stealing all the presents from under the tree. After lying in wait, bite Santa’s face off and nick his sack. Quickly get naked and do a giant poo on the landing. Feel proud. Then, after a brief Police standoff, jump from a second storey window crashing through the garage roof and make your escape across wasteland. Sprint to your special den in the woods, lick your wounds and open all the gifts. A beard trimmer! You rule! A winner yet again!
CANCER
None of today’s so called ‘Astrologers’ take Earth’s effect into account in any of their flimsy so called predictions – Dipsquits. So yes, for once, it’s our own planet having a cosmostrological effect on you this month: A Christmas walk in the park leads to a chance conversation with a stranger. It turns sour when they run from the sight of your little pink friend. He was only being nice. It made him be sick and there was a mess.
GEMINI
Due to a multiple conjunction between Neptune (descendant) and Venus (in transit), your nose itches thirteen times this month, This is Lunascopically unlucky so give it a really good pick on the 19th and store the contents. Then clean out all family members’ earwax before the Luna equinox of the 22nd. Combine the collected materials to mould a tiny figurine of Santa. Keep in the fridge until needed.
TAURUS
In July 1994, the first ever observed (by some nerd) collision between two objects in the solar system saw the Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collide with Jupiter after becoming ensnared and torn apart by the gas giant’s immense gravity. As an explicit and undeniable result of this, almost seventeen years later, your partner imparts an opinion over the festive season that is brutal in its sincerity and straight from the heart. You thump them.
ARIES
Mercury is set to enter Venus on the night of the 24th and as a result you wake up from a strange dream about Father Christmas to find him in bed with you, caressing your bumcakes. Realizing with some unease that it’s just your husband having dressed up to put out the presents, you allow his advance knowing he will wade through his familiar routine before going off to the bog to curl out his Christmas log. As his hairy back departs and without delay you reach for the special toy that Santa could never bring. Happy Christmas luv.
PISCES
As a creative Picenarian, this year, I am being pressured by feisty little Mercury to put more of an effort into Christmas present presentation for my family: Mrs Mystic, Master Mystic and little Miss Mystic. Therefore, their gifts will be wrapped in Hazlet and Luncheon meat tied with Parma ham ribbons in a Lady Gaga styley. Use celebrity influences to make your presents look similarly unattractive by collecting barber floor hair for a Wagner look or giving cheap lumpy pillows stuffed into tacky gold draw string satin sacks to emulate Widdy off Strictly.
AQUARIUS
The influence of Saturn’s razor sharp rings help you avoid eating ghastly Xmas fart grenades by rolling all your Brussel sprouts in glue and then glitter to create some shitty baubles instead. Nevertheless, Christmas eve still brings loud tummy rumbles and consequently beware the embarrassing passage of a large gas giant on the 25th. Stand near the dog or an incontinent relative.
CAPRICORN
You Capricornians are the solar systems super chefs so for the perfect Xmas feast this year the planets recommend tasty borderline boiler Kirsty Allsop. Simply remove handmade jewellery, trim hands and feet, shave and stuff, then its gas mark six for seven hours making sure you pull out towards the end to give her a good basting all over - especially on the breast meats to keep them succulent. After roasting, extract her juices to reduce whilst you rest the meat. Garnish with braised ‘sweetbreads de Phil’ and serve. Mastication, Mastication, Mastication.
Christmas day celebrity birthdays:
Sir Isaac Newton.
Apple fell on him head and means gravity and that means we all sticky to planet not falling offy.
Robert Ripley.
American cartoonist, entrepreneur and amateur anthroplologist. Believe it or not.
Humphry Bogart.
Bacall bonking only said ‘play it’ not ‘again Sam’ Here’s looking at you Bogeyfaced fag dangler.
Sissy Spacek.
Scary Carrie / Straight Story actress plus supersonic speech sufferers lisp situation.
Shane MacGowan.
Shout/talk singing, how come he’s not dead yet? Pickled gummy booze puddle plastic paddy.
Dido.
Missing consonant sampled singer.
To next time, looking forward….and Happy Christmas!
Mystic Mike.
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