Mystic Mike's Petstrology Special

Friday, 18 March 2011 11:50 Mystic Mike

Mystic Mike’s COSMOSTROLOGY - PETSTROLOGY SPECIAL

Dog.

This month, according to my Zodianimal charts, romance is on the cards for pooches. In the park you encounter a bitch on heat whose booty you give a sexy sniff which makes your lipstick come out a bit. You then come across an abandoned Kebab and dump her for it. Eating that makes you sick, which you then eat.

Later in the month your glands play up something horrific due to a misalignment of Uranus . Try repeatedly dragging your arse up and down the hall carpet. Sweet sweet relief.

Cat.

Your ascendant planet Mercury governs communication, intellectual interaction, healing and transmission of spiritual knowledge. So take up position on the piano stool with your delicate paws placed on the keys as if you are just about to play Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. Then instead, stick your back leg behind your ear and give your bum hole an audible raspy lick for half an hour before lazily wafting off as if someone farted.

Gerbil.

As a sensitive rodent you need to find your fortune and follow your fate. So this month, although ‘they’ believe you be nocturnal, spend all the daylight hours in your nest of shredded bank statements secretly and methodically piecing them together to reveal the account numbers and sort codes. Then one sweet day find your fortune by clearing their ISA’s and savings to follow your fate all the way to Rio with the booty! Aye Caramba!

Pony.

Petstrolgically speaking; right now is a time for you to celebrate just being alive. So, as it’s the tri-cuspal phase of Neptune or some such nonsense on the 24^th, you get rubbed down all over with soft brushes by a pair of freshly pubescent twin girls and your mane and tail hair lovingly de-tangled with their young delicate fingers. As a consequence you get an absolutely outrageous stiffington that makes them blush and giggle. One of them touches it. Brill.

Guinea pig.

It is a well known fact that your meat is delicious especially when slow cooked over an open fire, so it is with some sadness that I have to let you know about the barbeque’ mishap’ that awaits you. Suffice to say your new South American neighbours are pleased to ‘meat’ you when, after breaking out of your run and feeling a brief exhilarating zing of freedom, you poke your little head through the fence and get pitchforked and spatchcocked.

Budgie.

As a Budgie you are stubborn and proud and a tad less thick than you look in a pink cage on a stupid hoop perch with that intolerable bell. She thinks you think that the mirror is another bird and that this may somehow make you believe you have an identical friend who copies what you do out of admiration and that this will therefore make you feel less depressed and suicidal about being held captive by an insane old bat who smells of wee. Bollocks. You use the mirror for preening alone. Tweet about how you feel.

Ghekko.

As Jupiter moves into your sign, you spend the entire month half way up the side of your tank you lacklustre twonk.

Hamster.

Flirty Neptune is retrograde this month, presenting herself like a cheap strumpet by reversing into your sign. As a consequence romance hangs pendulously in the air. So when a neighbouring Hamster is accidently put in your cage while the owners go on holiday, it does not escape your notice that she is well fit and by the time they return you have put eighteen babies inside her. How’s that for heavy ‘petting’. Bring on the wheel. Result.

Pot bellied pig.

You hogs basically want to spend all day everyday rooting, scratching and wallowing this month same as last. But again your trendy owner has to show you off by taking you shopping wearing the stupid lead and harness that cuts into your skin folds. As if that wasn’t enough, you realise you’ve put on a few pounds as this time you get home with raging nipple chaff - all ten teats grazed raw from the pavement.

Parrot.

It’s typical of most slacker Parrots to learn good pirate English and then only say crap clichés like ‘Pieces of eight’ or ‘Who’s a pretty boy then’ Break out of this intellectual rut by riding down your street on your tiny wooden scooter shouting verbal abuse at every single last bastard you see like: ‘Pieces of shite!’ and ‘why don’t you copy what I say you tossers!’

Tortoise.

It’s typical of you tortoises to be quietly minding your own pissing business not doing bloody anything, I mean literally nothing apart from maybe eating a bit of lettuce when yet again those good-for- literally nothing chav-kid assasins from the ghetto estate take pot shots at you with their airgun. You have to retreat and take cover by retracting your limbs ‘indoors’ but the pellets hurt as they ricochet off your shell. Goddamn it! You’re a sitting duck, in a manner of speaking.

Chameleon.

You Chameleons are high priced and demanding and this comes to a head later in the month when you decide you are sick of standing about naked changing colour to blend in, so instead you buy a tiny slim fitting white suit that looks seriously cool under your Ultraviolet light. Shame you’re boss eyed.

Goldfish.

You will be happy today. You will be happy today.

You will be happy today. You die today.

Celebrity pets:

Jacko’s lonely ex-lover chimp, bubbles.

Paris Hiltons’ same IQ Chihuahua, Tinkerbell.

Britany Spears’ shaven headed Chihuahua, Bit Bit

Mel Gibsons’ muzzled, drunk, anti semitic Austrian Shepherd, Patch

Imaginative Mariah Careys’ Jack Russell terrier, Jack.

Imaginative Serena Williams’ female(?) Jack Russell, Jackie.

Elton Johns’ brown Cocker spaniel, Arthur.

Katie Prices’ massive pair of Bulldogs, Pepsi and Hugo.

Queens Corgis. An unelected hereditary pampered Petstocracy.

Comments

+1 #10 mysticmike 2011-03-24 17:07

Try tickling his tummy then if he doesn't giggle flush him.

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0 #9 Baz 2011-03-24 17:04

What does it mean when a goldfish floats upside down?

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+1 #8 mysticmike 2011-03-22 21:12

Yeah, Moons gone all big. Tarquin wants to brush melted butter onto your skin. Your choice. MM

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0 #7 Fold out sofa-sofa 2011-03-22 18:56

Mike, may I call you Mike?
Could you extend your extraordinary gift to forecasting the mishaps and fortunes of inanimate objects?
Tarquin, my pastry brush has been so off colour recently and I was worried it might be to do with the proximity of the moon. He had never really got on with Annabel, the melon baller and despite my mediation I eventually had to separate them. At the moment the only thing that seems to cheer him up is a couple of episodes of Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom. Please help, I'm at my wits end.

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0 #6 Bodkin 2011-03-22 18:46

That's uncanny, for the past 23 days my goldfish has been gliding through his arch and flicking his tail teasingly at the treasure in his chest and today he'd dead.

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0 #5 Jeff 2011-03-22 18:41

"Sweet sweet relief."
We've all been there.

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0 #4 jeff 2011-03-22 18:20

"Sweet, sweet relief"
We've all been there.

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0 #3 philip Jackson 2011-03-22 16:52

blimey that sounds costly i think i'll go dutch for greek, could you take a look at me wiper its a bit smeary.

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+1 #2 Mystic Mike 2011-03-22 15:55

You should definately go Dutch but be careful as one little slip and you'll go Greek which could get pricey. Your Van needs a new starter motor solenoid by the way.

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0 #1 philip Jackson 2011-03-22 14:12

I have a romantic encounter coming up not sure when cos me vans still at the garage, i normally pay for her but if me mate comes along should we go dutch? i like greek style best.
ta fer any help your mysticness

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