Crystal Palace Local

I have consulted our wisest celestial bodies on the matter, and whilst they are not in favour of supporting an unelected tax-payer-funded monarchy and would prefer all of Earth to operate as a meritocracy with elected leaders, they will of course use it as an excuse to get pissed like everyone else. So, it was thus written in the stars from the beginning of time that up and down the land young and old will toast the happy couple from breakfast onwards until they are totally wasted.

The planets also foretell that, all over the troubled Middle Eastern regions of Earth, guns will be laid down and impromptu street parties shall erupt with lashings of Islamic bunting and Halal cakes. In Libya the Gaddafis are planning to watch as a family wearing Kate and Wills commemorative tea towels as headdresses having given their security forces the day off so that everyone can watch the happy event without being shot. The Tsunami victims of Japan will relish a break from their massive clean-up operation to relax with some homemade Lemonade and Iodine cocktails. And in North korea, Kim Jong Il has ordered that all the giant posters and hoardings depicting him or his son shall be pasted over by the peoples bill-stickers with that sickly portrait of Wirriam and Kathelin by Mario Testino.

But wait! The oracles of the Solar System also gave a stark warning to me alone of predestined future events that differ from the traditional storybook happy ending.  If you do not wish to know the assured and Cosmostrologically ordained future for the Prince and Princess do not read on!

"Kate and Wills" – "Wate and Kills" Yes! - "WAIT and KILLS"! – It may seem like a bit of simple word play resulting from changing a couple of letters around and then altering the spelling but nevertheless the stars have spoken. Exactly who 'waits' and who' kill's is at present shrouded in the misty gases of the cosmos and will happen according to the rules of where the planets happened to be when they were born but it's deffo curtains for the unfortunate toffs one way or another.

It is only a matter of time…..

Check out Mystic Mike's other celestial rants at: www.mysticmike.co.uk